What is really important when looking for Mr. Right?

Jenee Desmond-Harris has written a brilliant story about dating and relationships. Its title: What Single Women Can Learn From Michelle: Would most Type A, professional women have dated Barack when he was a broke, big-eared organizer with a funny name? You can find it here: theroot.com http://www.theroot.com/views/what-single-women-can-learn-michelle?page=3,1

Even though she is writing about educated black men and women dating issues, I think the article is valid for every person as well. It states that many times women use the wrong standards to decide who to date. According to Ms. Desmond's experience, women have refused to even try to establish a relationship with otherwise intelligent, caring, responsible and honest men because they had either unattractive lips (according to their very personal criteria, I guess), "ashy toes"; he was not tall enough, or because he used the same word a lot, or maybe stuttered once in a while. Not to mention all the women I know who will refuse a prospect because of the size of his bank account.

Then Ms. Desmond urges us, women, to redefine what attractiveness is. I am citing from her article: those of us who do seek to have relationships... of similar circumstances might need to open up a little. That doesn’t mean giving up on attraction. Attraction cannot be faked or forced. But we must start to question our assumptions about what our ideal really is.

These words remind me the many conversations I had with a female friend when we were both divorced women in our mid thirties, and back on the dating scene. My friend had set inflexible standards regarding the men she would date. If the man was a bit overweight, or his hair was "too gray", or beyond certain age, or did not meet height requirements, she would completely ignore him. Incredibly, one time she found someone she actually liked and dated, but later on refused him because she wanted someone bigger, sexually speaking.... :-

My friend used to tell me "I wish I were more like you. You speak to people and are nice to them regardless of their looks". I used to tell her: Listen, you may be missing the opportunity to find a great man and true love just because you are not willing to negotiate your standards.

I know how important is attraction and sexual desire in a couple. It is just that sometimes they don't come instantly. Sometimes they do, but to me attraction also emerges with time and friendship. It may happen after a great conversation, when you confirm how smart and what a good listener the man is. Or during a time of crisis, when he is there for you, and you discover how caring and selfless a man can be. Who knows, you may even find a man attractive after you watch him interacting with his children. You may see in him those desirable attributes you want when you think about the father of your own children.

So, I am very happy that Ms. Desmond has brought us the First Example of how things work: the First Family of the USA. Of course, Mr. Obama is tall, fit, smart, educated. And he is Mr. President now, which makes him desirable (according to many women's standards). But Michelle found him, fell in love, and got married when all he had was potential.

And, boy, she made the right decision!